A most devious plan
by Revengineer
Summary: YGOTAS-verse. You know Marik and Florence- nothing ever gets done without three hours of preliminary bickering. Of course, there's still not much getting done anyways! Yaoi - abridged!Thiefshipping oneshot.


A most devious plan

**Author's Note:** Here's my first ever posted fanfic! It's based on LittleKuriboh's Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series. I highly doubt that there's a Yu-Gi-Oh! fan that_ hasn't_ heard of it yet, but if you haven't, a simple google/Youtube search should shed some light on the subject. This is abridged!thiefshipping yaoi- romance between LK's versions of Marik and Bakura (Florence), who are both males despite their gorgeous locks. This fic is rated Mature, and while there's no lemon, the action gets a bit intense towards the end. Enjoy!

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><p><strong>You know Marik and Florence- nothing ever gets done without three hours of preliminary bickering. Of course, there's still not much getting done anyways!<strong>

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><p>"Behold, Florence- I have concocted another evil plot, and this time it will be the most devious plan of them all! That rainbow-haired midget and his bum chum, the pharaoh, won't know what hit them! Wahahaha!"<p>

Rolling his eyes, Bakura scooted sideways on their lair's worn red leather couch and moved closer to the blond Egyptian, craning his head over Marik's shoulder to get a closer look. The scribbled mess on the paper looked like it belonged on a soccer mom's refrigerator, and not in the hands of a supposedly hardened criminal mastermind.

"What is it this time? _Please _tell me we're not doing something as insipid as rearranging his sock drawer again- because if it is, I will be forced to take drastic measures."

Marik gave the considerably paler villain an odd look. "What _are_ you babbling about, Fluffy?"

Bakura sighed, running a hand through his ridiculously long bone-white hair. "Never mind that, Marik, what is the plan today?"

"Well," the teen responded with a huff, "if you would just look at my clearly labeled diagram, then you would know _exactly_ what the plan is!"

Squinting at sheet held in Marik's tanned hands, Bakura frowned. "There's nothing but a bunch of unidentifiable doodles and illegible chicken scratch on that paper. That's not exactly what I would call a 'clearly labeled diagram'".

Marik growled, "Shut up, kitty. You wouldn't know a frigging masterpiece if it hit you in the face!"

Bakura tugged the sheet out of his hand in response, ignoring Marik's cry of indignation, and began turning it this way and that, peering at the 'clearly labeled diagram' critically. "Well, if you look at it this way, it _does_ look a fair bit like the Mona Lisa."

"No it doe- wait, what? Really?"

"No. It looks like a three-year-old drew this while having a seizure."

"Damnit, Bakura!" Marik flailed wildly for the paper, all dignity forgotten, "Give me back my **EFF**ing diagram, you limey fruitcake!"

The white-haired thief allowed his partner in crime to snatch back the sheet, a mischievous smirk growing on his face when he saw how Marik had curled up protectively around his chart. Changing his expression to one of mournful regret, he said softly, "Oh, come on Marik, I didn't mean it. Come here and show me what the plan is."

The tanned blond shot a suspicious look over his shoulder, and, seeing none of the well-disguised guile on Bakura's face, turned to face him. "Well, I suppose it is not your fault that you are incapable of appreciating my genius, Fluffy. I'll just have to explain it to you."

The spirit's eye twitched in annoyance, but Marik was too busy moving over to Bakura's side to notice. "Look here, binky-boy," he began, pointing at the diagram with a jingle of his omnipresent jewelry. "First, we shall approach the game shop in the ingenious disguises shown in Figure A."

Bakura had to stretch his neck awkwardly in order to get a glimpse of the badly drawn glasses and false mustaches over Marik's shoulder and past the golden curtain of hair. "Marik, why can't we sneak in _without_ any bloody disguises when Yugi's not at home?"

"Because the disguises are essential to the plot! Anyways, some stupid old man is always there. It's like he _lives_ there or something!"

With great difficulty, Bakura was able to stifle the urge to slam his head against a wall. "That 'stupid old man' is Yugi's grandpa. Idiot."

"Oh. Well, _anyways_, that's why we need these totally sweet disguises. Then, once we are unrecognizable, we shall obtain one of these things and attach it to-"

"Wait, one of _what _things?"

"You know, one of these thingamajigs. The ones that you attach to those doodads."

"Marik, could you get any more vague? I have no f*****king idea what you're talking about."

Marik's annoyed response was almost a yell, "For the love of _frig_, Florence, the thing that I am pointing at _right now_!"

"For the last bloody time, I have no clue what any of those squiggles are, especially since I can't _see_ any of them! That's it- stand up for a moment; I'm going to try something."

Marik glared at him ferociously as he stood. "This better not be one of your gay ideas again, Bakura! You _know_ I'm not into that sort of tomfoolery."

The ex-tomb robber tsked with a smirk, "Marik, Marik, Marik. Why so suspicious?" and promptly pulled the blond onto his lap, continuing over the Egyptian's protests, "You know it takes two to tango- for something 'gay' to happen, there have to be TWO gay people. Or more, if you get _really_ carried away. But you're straight, aren't you?"

"Yes!" Marik replied, almost too quickly. "Yes, I am. Straight, I mean. Yes, I am definitely straight. Very straight. Straighter than a... a very straight thing. Yes."

Bakura smirked, leaning forward and hissing softly in Marik's ear, "Then there isn't any problem with you sitting here, is there?" Accepting the Egyptian's incoherent mumble as agreement, the thief added, "Anyways, I won't have any trouble trying to look at the diagram like this," and rested his head on Marik's shoulder. "So, you were saying?"

"Um... Oh, yes- the plot! Well, once we have infiltrated the game shop, we will sneak evilly up the stai-"

"How, exactly, do you sneak _evilly_?"

"I command you to shut up! Stop being so difficult, and just listen! _Geez_, is that too much to ask?"

Bakura impulsively planted a soft kiss on the back of Marik's neck, and when the teen jerked away, startled, the pale spirit put on another hangdog expression. "I'm sorry, that was rude of me. Please, do go on."

The blond turned to stare at his partner in crime with undisguised incredulity. "What has gotten _into_ you today, Bakura?"

"Absolutely bloody nothing."

"... Then why are you so frustrating today?"

"Because I'm frustrated."

"But you just said that nothing's gotten into you today!"

"_Exactly_."

Marik just stared blankly at the thief before turning back to his diagram with an indignant huff. "Whatever, kitty. I don't speak Meow."

And with that said, he started to get up from Bakura's lap. Seeming to have anticipated the move, the spirit wrapped his arms around Marik's waist to immobilize him.

"Is that so? Well, I can't read Blonde, so I guess we're even."

Tugging at his long blonde hair in frustration, the Egyptian muttered, "How do you always have a witty comeback?" Smirking, Bakura replied, "Quite easily- I have wit to spare."

"Oh yeah? Well then, how come you haven't beaten the pharaoh yet?"

That struck a nerve. A white eyebrow twitched, and he responded testily, "My master plan won't unfold for another couple of hundred of episodes. But you'll see. It'll be _a blast fr_-"

"Is it from the past? Because that catchphrase is _so_ overused."

"... Nooo. But we were discussing _your_ plan, weren't we?" He stared pointedly at the so-called diagram. "I'm having trouble figuring out this doodle in particular." A slim, pale finger lightly touched a light blue squiggle with multiple jagged lines struggling drunkenly across it.

Marik frowned almost angrily and tossed his head, raising his nose haughtily. "Don't you ever look in the mirror, Florence?"

He paused and glanced at teen in his lap, surprised, before refocusing on the crude drawing. "Marik... You only drew what appears to be my shirt."

"Well, that's because I didn't have any white crayons."

Bakura was having difficulty choosing between incredulous laughter and tears of despair at this point. He chose the third alternative and asked, hesitantly, "Umm... Alright. So, errr... Do you mind explaining all of this to me again? In such a way that even a brain-dead three-year-old would understand?"

Marik rolled his eyes at his partner's apparent idiocy, and tried again.

"Do you see this doodad here?"

"Yes, but I have no bloody idea what it's supposed to be."

"It's one of those things you throw in water to catch fish- and the occasional humorous boot."

"A ...fishing rod?"

"Yes, that."

"Okaaay... And what's this attached to the end?"

"That's one of those gizmos that attract other gizmos and sometimes metal."

"A magnet...?"

"Yes, _that_. And before you ask, this widget over here is one of tho-"

Bakura decided then that Marik's wild blond hair was definitely of more interest, and loosened an arm from his waist to play with a lock of it curiously. He answered absently, "Alright. Then what?", marveling at the luxuriantly soft strands between his fingers.

Too caught up in explaining his nonsensical plot, Marik failed to notice Bakura's wandering attention and kept babbling on blithely.

"So then we're... Yugi's hou... destroy hi... couch but no... milk and ca..."

The pale spirit buried his nose in Marik's hair, breathing in his scent- the faint, chemically manufactured aroma of some unidentifiable fruit, product of an undeniably girly shampoo; the soft metallic tang of his ubiquitous gold jewelry; and that curious hot-summer's-day smell peculiar to Marik. Every time he managed to catch a whiff of the scent, he would close his eyes and try to identify it, hoping that eliminating the mystery would at least lessen its allure.

This time was no different, except that Marik's scent was surrounding him rather than dashing by on his slipstream- the heady scent of warm spices and desert-dry grass mixed with a tantalizing hint of musk that made Bakura want to toss him onto a bed and have his wicked, wicked wa-

"_Bakura_! You're not even paying attention, are you?"

Marik whipped his head around and glared at him accusingly, pulling his hair away from the thief's nose in the process. A soft whine of disappointment escaped his throat involuntarily at the loss before he could switch on his usual neutral expression. "Nope. You lost me at 'widget'. Anyways, you're so much more _interesting_, Marik."

"But I stopped talking about the widget hours a-" His attention was understandably distracted by two bony hands stroking gently at his exposed midriff. "H-hey! Wh-what are you doing, Bakura?"

"Why, nothing at all. Go on, I want to hear more about this ingenious plan."

Marik tried to pull the intruding hands away from his belly, but they froze, immobile, at his touch, positioned in a slightly threatening pose, sharp claws resting lightly above his skin. The Egyptian hurriedly released the pale hands, and they went back to running fingertips tenderly over his midriff. Scooting backwards and away from the hands simply snuggled him into the thief's embrace, which was just as unpleasant as the intrusive fingers' light caress that was _definitely_ not starting to feel like a gentle massage, or so Marik kept telling himself, hoping to make himself believe it.

"B-Bakura, this definitely isn't '_n-nothing_'! Now stop it, l-let me g-go!"

Feeling absurdly smug about the stuttering mess he was turning the blonde into, he kept up his light stroking, fingers beginning to make small, experimental excursions under the bottom fringe of Marik's belly shirt.

"But Marik, if you get off now, I'll never get to understand what the plan is, and then how ever will we execute it? Have you given up your vengeance against the pharaoh already?"

This reminder of his evil motives was enough to make the Egyptian scowl. "Of course not, binky boy!" He straightened and scooted backwards, closer to Bakura's chest, to give him a better look at the diagram, not noticing how the spirit's breath caught at the friction, or how the hands at his midriff momentarily clutched him closer. Marik steadfastly ignored the amorous stroking his chest and belly were being exposed to, and the comfortable warmth pressed up against his back, and the strangely intriguing heat below his hips, and the long, feathery white hair tickling his throat as Bakura's head rested on his shoulder.

"Okay, for the last **EFF**ing time, Fluffy, _pay attention_. We are going to sneak, under the cover of darkness and with the light of the full moon behind us, into the house of Yugi Muto through the back-door entrance of the game shop while wearing d-disguises that will hide our identity from the old man who sometimes manages to e-escape the basement. Then we will sneak our way up the staircase, e-equipped with the gizmo ah-attached to the doodad, and carefully sw-swing the gizmo into Y-yugi's bedroom, so th-that it catches onto mmm... Ah! S-so it c-catches oh mmm... On-onto the... doohickey! Ah, Buh-Bakura!"

Being able to touch and stroke and tease Marik's skin was reward enough for Bakura, who had only ever dreamed of going so far with his childlike crush, but his breathless stuttering and faint exclamations of pleasure encouraged his fingers to search out the area that would have hosted nipples, if not for the arbitrary censorship of 4kids!.

Marik seemed to appreciate the attention, as evidenced by a low moan that escaped his lips at a gentle twist- the nubs seemed to be present alright, but only as visible as the guns tended to be. The blond Egyptian's back arched, trying to press himself closer to the nimble fingers playing with his nipples, shifting and squirming under their touch with soft sounds of excitement and delight.

Bakura couldn't help the way a lustful purr emerged from somewhere deep in his throat, spurred by the same primal desires as the growing bulge in his pants, or the way his teeth suddenly began nipping along Marik's jawline, careful to avoid paining the teen in his lap, even though his arousal was quickly erasing any coherent thoughts. He especially couldn't help the way one hand dropped away from Marik's chest and slipped into the front of his bizarre cargo pants, fondling through the flimsy protection offered by his underwear.

Marik's soft gasp and loud moan of raw need only emboldened his actions. "Mmm... Doohickey, is that right? Not a bad idea..."

In hindsight, maybe it _had _been a bad idea- the pain caused by the harsh sucking at the skin between his throat and jawline seemed to have snapped Marik out of his reverie. "Ng! Ow! Ow, stop that! Stoppit!"

Fueled with mild outrage at having been sidetracked so easily, Marik squirmed out of Bakura's embrace, resolutely pulling the intruding hand out of his pants and the other away from his chest. After fighting his way onto his feet, he snatched the slightly crumpled diagram up off the floor, where it had slipped, unnoticed, from fingers gone limp with an unexpected influx of pleasure.

"_Bakura_, you are _impossible!_", he screeched, his anger at odds with the bright flush still spread across his cheeks, the quickly purpling hickey just under his jaw, and the arousal still causing a bulge in his pants. "How many times do I have to tell you? I AM NOT _GAY_!"

The thief rolled his eyes incredulously. "You're still spouting that ridiculous claim while sporting the raging hard-on that I just gave you? You're not fooling anyone, you know."

"SILENCE! Stop trying to hit on me, Florence! It's not going to get you anywhere because _I, Marik Sebastian Ishtar the third, _am _not GAY_. I like gir- mmm, ahh..."

Bakura pulled his hands away from Marik's chest with a snort of disbelief. "Right. Of _course _you're not gay. I should have known. Now, come here and let me take care of that erection of yours."

Marik narrowed his eyes. "Only if you admit that I am totally _straight _and promise to not hit on me again!"

It was very difficult to resist the urge to roll his eyes again, but the pale spirit managed it somehow. "Look, how about this- I'll agree that you're straight if you let me get rid of your hard-ons however I like."

Marik glared at him suspiciously; sure there was some sort of trick he hadn't yet noticed. "No tricks, Marik- I just want to help you get rid of your sexual frustration, just like any other good friend-with-benefits."

Damnit, that thief could even read his mind, apparently! "I'm not reading your mind, Marik. I don't need to. All I have to do is watch your face- you make the most absurd expressions when you're trying to think."

Marik huffed and turned away haughtily. His body protested its undignified state until Marik was forced to turn back and say "... Fine." After setting his diagram down carefully on the coffee table, smoothing out the wrinkles caused by its recent mistreatment, he added, "But hurry it up! Evil geniuses like me- _straight _evil geniuses like me- don't have all day, you know!"

The thief rolled his eyes again, then pulled Marik back onto his lap again. "Your wish is my command, oh 'straightest' and most 'clever' of all flamboyantly _gay _Yu-gi-oh villains-who-read-yaoi. Now relax and try not to freak out if you feel any strange... _sensations_, especially in your backside, alright Marik?"

"Um, okay."

"...Hey, wait a minute, what do you mean by g- aaah, do that mmm again..."

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><p>"...So <em>then<em>, we'll have all the extra clotheshangers in his closet, _and _he'll have new clothes! So he won't have anywhere to put them! And he will fall into a deep despair and be powerless against us! Wahahahahaha! Yes!"

"...That's it? That's your 'most devious plan of them all'? Giving Yugi new clothes and taking away his bloody hangers? That is the most buggering _retarded _thing I have ever heard in my inconceivably long and shitty life. You _can't _be serious!"

"Ah, but that's the genius of the plan, Fluffy! He'll never expect it! It will be like taking candy from colorful hedgehog baby! Delicious, _delicious _candy!"

"I had never seriously regretted my immortality before today. You ought to be proud, Marik."

"So, does that mean you're going to help?"

"...Yes. You are ridiculously fortunate you are so irresistible."

"Pfft, it's not _luck_! It's _hard work_! Do you _know _how long it took me to get this perfect tan... _all over_?"

"No. I don't. Though I must admit that I rather appreciate the results of your 'labor'..."

"You're just jealous that you don't have a beautifully tanned tush like mine!"

"I don't need to be. I have _yours_."

"I _still _don't know how you managed that one. You know, since I'm straight and all. You must have used your magical gay powers on me!"

"...Yes, that's exactly it."

"Stop it!"

"No."

"Gaah!"

"Now come over here, I want to hear an entirely different kind of incoherent noise coming out of your mouth."

"No! My ass still hurts from the last time!"

"Oh, come on, don't be such a big baby! Suck it up!"

"No, _you_!"

"Sounds like a plan to me."

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><p>Thanks to Kay Auss for betaing~!<p> 


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